Baby Jail or Postpartum Cocoon?

one of the most impressive nap trappings I've ever been subjected to.

There’s a misunderstanding about the postpartum time (and maybe all of motherhood?) that I often find myself encountering in the weeks following a first birth. Most new parents were equipped prenatally with an understanding that babies are a little bit… needy. And that their job in the first few months is to respond to those needs. Changing a few diapers, breastfeeding on demand - how hard can it be?

However, what most new mothers don’t quite grasp is just how much their baby needs them. How much closeness their little one requires to feel safe, comfortable, soothed. And, that a baby who will only sleep in arms is a normal baby. 

Babies are meant to be held. In the morning, in the afternoon, at night. While eating, while sleeping, while playing. It can feel like, to use a client’s phrase, “baby jail.”

And although the phrase "postpartum cocoon" is how I describe it, in essence it is a little bit like being trapped. And so much of the work for new mothers is surrendering to this jail, cocoon, entrapment. Because, like so many other aspects of this being human, when you try and run away, it just gets so much worse. For you, for your baby, for the future of our communities.

A baby who is held close grows up, I pray, to be a human who holds their parents, children, brothers, sisters, neighbors just as close. And, holding your little ones close, and being responsive to their needs, is an important way that healthy attachment is formed.

However, doing this deeply important work of attuned mothering in a society that discounts and devalues the work can feel overwhelming if not impossible. It's not you - it's the system. A mother can't spend the vast majority of her time attending to her newborn baby's needs if her partner is back to work the day after birth, she's returning 2 months later, and they have no local support to attend to the parents' (and any other children's) needs.

S0, within the confines of this mother-abusing society, how can new families prepare to be attentive, attachment-focused, and fully surrendered to baby-time? How can we make baby jail feel a little bit more like that postpartum cocoon?

What I've learned can support a more easeful surrender into spending 18+ hours a day with your baby in your arms is a well set up house, household, and community. Some of my favorite tips and tricks:

1. A well-equipped nursing cart that can wheel from room to room. This should have both baby-care supplies (diapers, burp cloths etc.) as well as mama-care supplies (thermos of herbal tea, SO many snacks, love letters and words of affirmation).

2. A MealTrain set up that extends beyond the first 2 weeks. Try to encourage friends and family to spread out meal deliveries throughout the first 6-8 weeks of baby's life. It is borderline impossible to cook with a baby in your arms. And, emphasize the importance of dropping food outside of the door; no ringing the doorbell expecting a visit.

3. Have a comfortable and secure baby wearer. My favorite for the newborn days is the Solly wrap, which can often be found secondhand on facebook marketplace. Baby wearing is a game changer, especially with little ones who simply will not fall asleep off of a chest.

4. A postpartum doula whose emphasis is nurturing the mother, not exclusively the baby. Find a provider who wants to support the mother-baby dyad, not interrupt it. Caveat here to say that having baby-holding support so that mother's don't lose their minds is also an important part of supporting this dyad.